Do you get a lot of e-mail? I do. Some is funny, most is not. I have a group of friends who send me some really clever stuff. Some of it is, how do you say? Politically Incorrect. Some is just plan funny. Below is an actual e-mail that I received today.
DIVORCE AGREEMENT
THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT'S BY A YOUNG PERSON, A STUDENT!!! WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I'LL VOTE FOR HIM. OUTSTANDING.
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the dif ficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU and ACORN. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).
We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.
You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peace-niks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security along with our own.
We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values... You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. but we will no longer be paying the bill.
We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you20can find.
You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm SURE you'll be happy to substitute "Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya and We Are the World.
We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberals and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American
P.S. Also, please, please, PLEASE...take Barbara Streisand, Jane Fonda & Nancy Pelosi
Now as funny as that is, I have often wondered what it would be like if the "liberals" and the "Conservatives" divided up things.
The hard thing is to figure out how to split up the country. As Conservatives, we would like to have some places with nice weather like Florida with the Keys and all. We could split the country straight down the middle, but then we would loose Alaska, Colorado and other parts of the Mid-West that has oil. We know that would be wasted because the Libs wouldn't use it.
We could divide straight across, but then we still wouldn't have the oil and we'd have to deal with Mexico.
So let's make a deal. We'll divide down the middle, give the Libs Hawaii and we'll take Alaska. So everything west of Minnesota would go to the Libs and everything east would go to the Conservatives.
We would have the military to protect our borders and if a Liberal would want to visit (or visa versa) passports would be issued. You would have ten years to move and find a new job and get settled.
Within the first ten years I am willing to bet that the east would flourish. Capitalism would take over and the free markets would boom. We would produce cars and SUVs and sell too other countries (like the West Coast) and make nice profits.
The big changes would be socially. It wouldn't be politically incorrect to pray before a high school sporting event or at graduations. It wouldn't be politically incorrect to start town meetings with a prayer, nor would it be politically incorrect to set up a Manger Scene in the town park and to wish everyone you see a "Merry Christmas."
Families would be celebrated and abortion would not exist. Hard work would be rewarded and welfare would be only for those who absolutely couldn't work, but who could do some sort of public service, even if it's answering our phones.
Retirement would be fun again and families would help each other. Legislators would work for the people they represent or they would have to find another line of work. There would be no government healthcare and no "Nanny" state. Common Sense would rule. Justice would be blind and represent the people it serves and judges wouldn't be allowed to legislate from the bench.
Of course we would still have problems, just like any other city, state or nation, but we would work together for the common good and we would not be invasive into each others lives.
It would be hard, but it would be worth it. I am willing to be that in ten years you would see a huge difference between the East and the West.
It will never happen, but it would be nice to have a world without the Boxers, Pelosis, Durbins and Franks.
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